Be omnivorous, don't just read one kind of book, read everything. - Richard Wagamese

Monday, April 16, 2018

Picking Up a Book During a Difficult Time + Stephanie Plum (Turbo Twenty Three)

If you're  book lover, you can probably look at a favorite book and picture the time and place where you read it. Since my Mom went into the hospital, I haven't been able to read. After my Mom passed, I thought I wanted to read a really sad book and I picked up a book that dealt with grief, but that didn't work for me. I let it go, and one day I saw Turbo Twenty-Three and was immediately brought back to when I loved these Stephanie Plum books. I flashed back to living with my parents, getting the new release and sitting in the living room devouring these books. I can picture the chair, the blanket and it felt very comforting. Over the course of a few days, I finished this book and was happy that I got through a book. Reading is how I relax and it felt good to close the book.

It's been 4 weeks since my Mom passed, and I can't say that it has gotten easier. Every single day is hard. The first few weeks, I would feel panicked when I thought about my Mom gone. I still feel like that some days. I still get angry, confused and frustrated. I still can't believe that she is just gone. I've realized that I need to just let myself go through these emotions. It's not a matter of one day you feel better, it's all about adjusting and taking it one day at a time.

Last week was really hard, my in laws went back home. As soon as they heard about my Mom, they came to stay with us. They stayed with us for 3 weeks. My Dad went back to work and it felt like "this is our new routine." I was so, so sad. Last week, I turned 33, and my wedding anniversary was the next day. I couldn't help but think, this is the 3rd event my Mom has already missed. Picking up this book was comforting, and it helped get through the week.

Monday, April 2, 2018

Heart to Heart: Losing My Mom

I'm learning to navigate this world without my Mom. In February, my Mom was admitted to the hospital for pains in her arm. 5 years ago she had a valve replacement, and we knew the valve wasn't working as it should. What we didn't realize was how sick my Mom really was. We were told that she would need to undergo another valve replacement and a bypass. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks before her surgeon was available to operate. The operation took 10 hours, and when her surgeon came out to speak with us, we knew she would either not survive or have a very long recovery.  Unfortunately, my Mom passed on March 19th.

My world came crashing down, the fear in the hospital- I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was so terrifying to go to her room and hear more bad news. The good news sounded really good, and the bad news sounded really bad. She was on a ventilator and sedated, those machines were terrifying. from Friday to Monday, I felt my Mom slip away and I knew it wasn't her choice. She would choose to stay with us, if she could. It was scary to be given a little bit of hope and have it ripped away shortly after. I worry about how aware she was, how scared she was, and how much pain she was in. All of those things, I will never know. She did open her eyes once when I was in the room, and I told her how great she was doing. I hope she knew how proud of her I was. She was a fighter, but this fight was too much for her.

I saw my Mom every single day, and now I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I know I will, I know I have to, but it's scary and I wish I didn't have to learn to adjust to life without her. I'm trying to be strong, and I have a great support system but it still doesn't feel real. Life doesn't feel right. How can my Mom just be gone? It doesn't feel fair, and I get really angry. My faith has really taken a hit, because now I know God doesn't have to listen to my prayers. My Mom lost her Mom at a young age, and it was something that bothered her for her entire life. I know that feeling now. It's a physical hurt, an emptiness. I feel like I'm too young to lose my Mom, I didn't picture losing her in my early 30's. I still needed her. My son is only 4 years old.

Losing my Mom has made me so afraid that I could lose someone else. It has made me angry that the days still come and go. When I have a decent day, I feel guilty because I got through that day so easily. Grief comes in waves. I feel like most days, I'm just pretending that I'm "okay" and I keep pretending to get through the day. It's hard and we need to take it one day at a time. I keep reminding myself that it hurts this much because my Mom was such a good Mom.