My world came crashing down, the fear in the hospital- I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was so terrifying to go to her room and hear more bad news. The good news sounded really good, and the bad news sounded really bad. She was on a ventilator and sedated, those machines were terrifying. from Friday to Monday, I felt my Mom slip away and I knew it wasn't her choice. She would choose to stay with us, if she could. It was scary to be given a little bit of hope and have it ripped away shortly after. I worry about how aware she was, how scared she was, and how much pain she was in. All of those things, I will never know. She did open her eyes once when I was in the room, and I told her how great she was doing. I hope she knew how proud of her I was. She was a fighter, but this fight was too much for her.
I saw my Mom every single day, and now I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I know I will, I know I have to, but it's scary and I wish I didn't have to learn to adjust to life without her. I'm trying to be strong, and I have a great support system but it still doesn't feel real. Life doesn't feel right. How can my Mom just be gone? It doesn't feel fair, and I get really angry. My faith has really taken a hit, because now I know God doesn't have to listen to my prayers. My Mom lost her Mom at a young age, and it was something that bothered her for her entire life. I know that feeling now. It's a physical hurt, an emptiness. I feel like I'm too young to lose my Mom, I didn't picture losing her in my early 30's. I still needed her. My son is only 4 years old.
Losing my Mom has made me so afraid that I could lose someone else. It has made me angry that the days still come and go. When I have a decent day, I feel guilty because I got through that day so easily. Grief comes in waves. I feel like most days, I'm just pretending that I'm "okay" and I keep pretending to get through the day. It's hard and we need to take it one day at a time. I keep reminding myself that it hurts this much because my Mom was such a good Mom.