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Be omnivorous, don't just read one kind of book, read everything. - Richard Wagamese

Monday, April 2, 2018

Heart to Heart: Losing My Mom




I'm learning to navigate this world without my Mom. In February, my Mom was admitted to the hospital for pains in her arm. 5 years ago she had a valve replacement, and we knew the valve wasn't working as it should. What we didn't realize was how sick my Mom really was. We were told that she would need to undergo another valve replacement and a bypass. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks before her surgeon was available to operate. The operation took 10 hours, and when her surgeon came out to speak with us, we knew she would either not survive or have a very long recovery.  Unfortunately, my Mom passed on March 19th.

My world came crashing down, the fear in the hospital- I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was so terrifying to go to her room and hear more bad news. The good news sounded really good, and the bad news sounded really bad. She was on a ventilator and sedated, those machines were terrifying. from Friday to Monday, I felt my Mom slip away and I knew it wasn't her choice. She would choose to stay with us, if she could. It was scary to be given a little bit of hope and have it ripped away shortly after. I worry about how aware she was, how scared she was, and how much pain she was in. All of those things, I will never know. She did open her eyes once when I was in the room, and I told her how great she was doing. I hope she knew how proud of her I was. She was a fighter, but this fight was too much for her.

I saw my Mom every single day, and now I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I know I will, I know I have to, but it's scary and I wish I didn't have to learn to adjust to life without her. I'm trying to be strong, and I have a great support system but it still doesn't feel real. Life doesn't feel right. How can my Mom just be gone? It doesn't feel fair, and I get really angry. My faith has really taken a hit, because now I know God doesn't have to listen to my prayers. My Mom lost her Mom at a young age, and it was something that bothered her for her entire life. I know that feeling now. It's a physical hurt, an emptiness. I feel like I'm too young to lose my Mom, I didn't picture losing her in my early 30's. I still needed her. My son is only 4 years old.

Losing my Mom has made me so afraid that I could lose someone else. It has made me angry that the days still come and go. When I have a decent day, I feel guilty because I got through that day so easily. Grief comes in waves. I feel like most days, I'm just pretending that I'm "okay" and I keep pretending to get through the day. It's hard and we need to take it one day at a time. I keep reminding myself that it hurts this much because my Mom was such a good Mom.




8 comments:

  1. You just put into words exactly how I felt. I'm so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself- self care matters a lot during grief. Keep writing when you need to, it will give you an outlet for your sadness, anger and grief. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is so personal and lonely - I hope you find some peace soon.

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  3. Jennifer really sorry for your loss my dear. Your poured your heart out my dear. Hope you and your have the strength to bear the loss which is really big. It chills me as my mom also went through her heart surgery last year. She is better now.

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my dad when I was in my 30s and it was the most difficult time in my life. Thinking of you and wishing you peace as you go through this journey.

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  5. Hello, I've just stopped by your blog for the first time and seen this.

    I just wanted to say that I wish you well going forward. It sounds like your Mum knew just how much she was loved and she'll know that you'll carry her in your heart forever.

    Also, thank you for the honest post. I worry constantly about losing my mother due to her ill health and seeing posts from the people who talk only about strength, gratitude and a better place make me feel as though I will have to right to be devastated.

    Hanna

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    1. I'm so sorry that you're fearful of losing your Mom. Grief has no rules and you won't know how you will react until you go through it. The fear of losing my Mom was so heart wrenching and difficult. Grief certainly comes in waves.

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